


Never Say Never

by Antisociallilbrat



Series: Song Fics [2]
Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bill Denbrough Loves Stanley Uris, Bill's sexuality is up for debate, Character Death, Gay Richie Tozier, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Pennywise a BITCH, Richie Tozier Loves Eddie Kaspbrak, Song based fic, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, after It
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-20
Updated: 2020-08-20
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:21:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25699474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Antisociallilbrat/pseuds/Antisociallilbrat
Summary: Richie isn't okay. He's the furthest fucking thing from okay. Bill feels the exact same after the fight with their final battle with Pennywise, so isn't it only natural for them to come together? To grieve the people they love together? It's easier to cry into a pair of arms instead of a cold empty bed.Basically this fic allowed to me to cry over Reddie and Stenbrough while shipping Bichie.Loosely based on the Never Say Never by The Fray
Relationships: Bill Denbrough/Richie Tozier, Bill Denbrough/Stanley Uris, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Series: Song Fics [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1786846
Kudos: 14





	Never Say Never

**Author's Note:**

> This fic took me forever to write, and I'm still not happy with it.

The other Losers were surprised, to say the least, when Bill and Richie came out as a couple to the public three years after fighting IT a second time, three years after the Losers lost Eddie and Stan. 

It was quite a controversial story in the media, big time comedian Richie ‘Trashmouth’ Tozier who has never had a serious relationship randomly to start dating the famous horror author Bill Denbrough, who had just gone through a nasty divorce a year prior. Celebrity news outlets ate it up, every interview they had on their respective projects always came with questions about their relationship. Both of them were thankful when the shock and questions finally died down. Especially Bill, since he has always been a private person when it came to interviews.

The two seemingly inconspicuous lovers told the Losers first before announcing, out of courtesy. Ben and Mike were confused at first but nonetheless accepting. They figured it was good that Richie and Bill had each other, always kinda worried what spending much of their life alone would do to them. Beverly hugged them and they both tried to not see the knowing look in her eyes, she could see right through them.

Richie and Bill were happy, that’s all that matters. So what if they weren’t exactly who the other wanted? It’s easier to curl up and cry in the warm arms of another then on a cold lonely bed. A person who understands the ache that will forever reside in their souls, the ache for the person they were supposed to be with. At least that’s what they concluded.

Yes, they were happy together. Their hearts still hurt though, at the idea that neither of them were as happy as they were supposed to be.

\---------------------------------------------------------------

After that horrible summer, Richie and Bill spent a lot of time together. Richie opened his home to Bill when his divorce started. Richie was there for Bill when he explained that he just couldn’t stay with Audra. It wasn’t right, he didn’t truly love her and it wasn’t fair to her.

Bill made sure Richie didn’t go crazy in the confines of his empty home, kept him sane. Being forced to remember every painful detail of that fucking clown, of what IT did to Eddie, it felt like enough to drive him mad. 

Bill was the one person Richie felt like he could truly talk about Eddie with, and how much his loss hurt him. The others and Bill knew that Richie was grieving Eddie differently than they were, but Bill was the person who _really_ got what Richie was going through. On more than one occasion did Richie find himself sobbing into Bill’s chest, tearily mumbling about how he should’ve saved Eddie, how he _loved_ him. Bill never asked questions, he understood. Richie never had to explain himself to Big Bill.

It was on one of those nights, after many rounds of scotch and bourbon, that would change their entire relationship. Richie found himself yet again in the comfort of Bill’s arms. Bill was whispering soft reassurances into his graying hairline as Richie had the front of his shirt twisted in his hands as he relied on Bill for support.

“I should have seen the fucking clown! I should have pushed Eddie out of the way! God- _fuck_ , I should have done something!”

Bill’s arms tighten around Richie, knowing there was nothing he could say that could convince Richie otherwise. They were all there, all of them are at fault for Eddie’s death. Well, except for _Stan_ , he wasn’t there. ~~He left Bill~~. He feels just as responsible for Eddie’s death as Richie, if not more. Wasn’t it his little brother that started all this? Wasn’t it him and his delirious idea of revenge that ultimately caused Eddie to lose his life?

No matter how many times he’s tried to tell Richie this, explain it, Richie just violently shakes his head and says, “It should've _been me_ Bill.” 

It took Bill a while to realize that Richie meant it should’ve been him who died down there instead of Eddie.

Richie cries harder, hiccuping out, “B-Bill please let me tell you something.”

He looks down at the grown crying man in his arms, confused, “Yeah Rich, what is it?”

Richie takes a deep breath, a vain attempt at trying to compose himself, “I j-just need to get this off my chest, _I just need to tell someone_ ,” Another breath in, “I’m ga-”

"I know.”

“What?”

He pushes back to look at Bill, expecting Bill to shove him away, call him a _filthy queer_ like Bowers used to. To completely reject him as a person.

Instead he gets Bill staring down at with big blue eyes filled with nothing but love and _understanding._ Bill actually pulls Richie closer to him.

“Rich I know. I’ve known for a while. I’m pretty sure the whole Losers Club knows too.”

He doesn’t understand, the whole group knows? Yet they still love him? Bill knows, and yet he holds him close?

Bill senses Richie’s confusion, “It’s okay Rich. It’s okay that you’re gay. We love you.”

Richie’s confusion is swept away as he smiles a smile he doesn’t really feel, “How could you guys have guessed? Here I thought I was being elusive as shit.”

Bill has a small smile on his face, “Rich you’ve never dated a girl and you’ve spent the better part of the last few months crying into my arms over-”

He stops himself before he says  _ his _ name but the damage is done. Richie, who had finally started to calm a little, looks like he’s about to break down crying again. 

“I’m sorry,” he feels guilty looking at Richie. The former jokester looks sad and  _ lost _ , it pained him. 

“I loved him you know? Not just like friend love or whatever the fuck, I loved  _ loved _ him.” Tearing are silently stream down his face as he _ finally  _ tells someone the secret he’s kept hidden since childhood.

Bill doesn’t look surprised in the slightest, he knows the pain that Richie is experiencing, “Yeah, Rich I know that too.” He hates just how much he understands the hell Richie is going through. Because losing Stan is putting him through it too.

Maybe it’s because Richie’s boarding wasted, maybe it’s because he’s so emotionally raw and depleted, or maybe it’s just because Bill is still looking down at him like he loves him, that he’s not at all disgusted by him that causes him to act on his next impulse.

He kisses him.

Overall it’s a pretty decent kiss. Even if it’s filled with salty tears and breath that reeks of alcohol. Maybe that’s why Bill decides to kiss him back, or maybe it’s because he too can feel so  _ painfully _ alone at times. 

Richie feels like he can almost laugh. Here he is kissing ‘Big Bill’, who’s actually kissing him back! The warmth radiating down from him feels too comforting for him to question the significance of it, not questioning why Bill is kissing him back when he’s assumed he was straight for his whole life. It would be in the morning when they’re still curled up in each other’s arms when Richie learns that Bill has a few escapades with men in his past. He’ll miss the pained look in Bill’s eyes when he admits this too. 

The two broken lovers find themselves that night kissing each other with everything they have left in themselves. 

Leading to the bedroom, their clothes gradually start to come off, kissing the pale expanses of each other’s skin. Trying not to feel guilty at the fact that they secretly yearned for another. Sinful sounds filled the room and for a moment, just a moment, they think that maybe they can be happy again.

\---------------------------------------------------------------

Sleeping together becomes the new normal for them after that. It’s just another form of comfort. Easier to wake up panicked from a nightmare, a memory, to someone who’s ready to hold you and whisper soft things to you. Becoming a couple was just a logical progression in their life.

That didn’t lessen any love or pain Richie felt for Eddie. The pain was just more manageable now with Bill, and he had someone he could actually talk too about his love for his hypochondriac. If Bill ever felt any resentment towards Richie for so obviously still being in love with Eddie, he never showed it. If anything, Richie would dare say his love was encouraged by Bill.

He still had bad days, when the pain of losing Eddie felt just a little  _ too _ unbearable, where he just wanted to crawl in on himself and drink himself to death. But Bill was there, he gave Richie the push to keep moving forward.

Bill was as sturdy was a rock, and Richie needed that. He needed someone to lean on. It was almost surprising how  _ little _ Bill had actually broke down after the fucking clown. Yes, he had nightmares as well that Richie would have to calm him down after, and yes he cried for Eddie. Almost as much as Richie did, Eddie was Bill’s best friend.

Curiously though, Bill never cried for Stan. Not once. 

Richie did cry for Stan. Multiple times. He lost his best friend.

A few months after Derry, after Bill had settled into his home and Riche finally felt stable enough, he made a point to go out to Atlanta. To see Stan and the life he built. Richie extended an offer for Bill to fly out there with him, only for it to be turned down. Bill claimed he was too busy writing the ending to his new book, and Richie just accepted the excuse. Figured maybe  _ seeing _ Stan’s grave would be too much for Bill. ~~Eddie’s grave was the fucking sewer~~.

The trip was nice enough and even heartbroken, Richie could understand why Stan fell for Patty. She made Richie feel very welcomed in Stan’s home, they spent his trip exchanging stories about Stan. Richie supplied her with stories of their childhood, since Stan never told her anything of it. The clown made him forget. In return, Richie got stories about adult Stan which made him realize he was right. Stan was still the best even as an adult.

When he returned from his trip, Bill didn’t want to hear anything of it. Especially anything about Patty. In the end, Richie just chalked it up to Bill grieving his friend.

That conclusion was completely blown out of the waters almost a year and a half later, around four months into their relationship. 

They were at a park near their home, a bright and sunny day in LA. Bill had started some new diet routine that included walking two miles and because Richie was dating him, he too had been dragged into it. 

Richie was going off about some heckler at his last show, how the guy just didn’t understand good comedy, when Bill stopped dead in his tracks. His breath was hitched and he was staring very intently across the path, towards where the trees were. 

When Richie followed Bill’s gaze and had found what or  _ who _ had caused Bill to stop so abruptly, he felt out of breath himself. 

It was Stan.

Well it wasn’t but this man looked exactly like  _ adult _ Stan. Dark neatly trimmed curls, clean shaven face with simple glasses sitting atop his nose. He even was dressed like Stan. Pressed khakis and a sweater that looked old enough to be his grandma’s tucked in. One thing stood out that made Richie question that maybe this guy  _ was _ Stan. He was  _ fucking _ bird watching. It was easy to tell with his binoculars in his hands as the not Stan scanned the trees and had what appeared to be a field guide sitting in his lap. 

“Richie g-go on without me. I’ll meet you at the house.”

Bill broke Richie from his analysis of not Stan, head whipping around to look at him. His face was completely unreadable but his gaze was still set on the man on the bench. Surely Bill didn’t think this guy was Stan right? Sure they’ve seen a lot of fucked up shit, but there was no way that guy was Stan.

“Bill you know thats-”

“I said go on home Rich.” He didn’t give Richie a chance to reply as he made his way towards the man.

Richie kinda just stood there dumbfounded for a moment, unsure of what to do. Does he go home and let his boyfriend talk to some stranger that looks like their long dead friend? Someone he thinks his boyfriend  _ thinks  _ is said dead friend? Or does he awkwardly approach them now when Bill just made it clear not to follow and be in trouble with said boyfriend?

Bill had approached the man, and they were both smiling at each other. He couldn’t hear what they were saying, but the man smiled and scooted over, gesturing for Bill to join him. Which he did without any hesitation.

Idly Richie wonders if Bill is going to cheat on him but realizes he’s dumb for even thinking that. Seeing that his boyfriend is in no danger from not Stan and still a little confused about what exactly is happening, Richie makes his way home. Bill should be home soon anyways and he can clear up any confusion he has. 

Bill doesn’t come home. 

It’s almost three a.m. and Richie is panicking on the phone with Bev, trying to figure out how to report a grown ass adult missing when Bill finally comes stumbling in through their front door. 

Wasted.

Bill manages to trip over their glass coffee table, shattering it. He’s left sitting in the mess and looking at the glass embedded in his hands when Richie tells Bev a quick goodbye and that Bill is home. Without Bev he feels at a loss for what to do. He’s never seen Bill like this. So drunk that his hands must be hurting as blood pours from them and he doesn’t even flinch as he tries to clumsily pull the glass out of his hands. He almost calls Bev back. Almost.

“H-hey Big Bill, you really had me worried there for a moment,” he tries to joke out.

Bill doesn’t even notice Richie talking as he’s still trying to pull the glass out his hands, the blood turning his fingers slippery. 

Richie grimaces as he gets down on his knees, pulling Bill’s bloody hands into his own. “Come on, let’s go get you cleaned up.” Only then does Bill look up. His eyes are clouded over and he looks like he’s  _ seeing through _ Richie. He hates it.

He stands and pulls Bill to his feet, guiding him to the bathroom. Pushing Bill till he sits on the counter, Richie pulls out their first aid kit and sets to work about cleaning his hands. Bill has yet to say anything and doesn’t respond to any of the jokes Richie attempts. Even the one about him having to beat up someone at the bar because they made fun of his bad book endings. Eventually he just goes quiet also, allowing the silence to suffocate him.

Finally he gets Bill’s hands bandaged up and cleaned, and is quite proud of his work if he says so himself. Running his hand through his hair, he steps back to admire his handiwork. “Well that should do it. I think I did a pretty good job there. Of course not as good of a job as Eddie would have done,” he laughs as his heart tightens with pain before stopping and adding, “or Stan.”

That seems to be what finally breaks Bill out his drunken trance, “No.”

“What do you mean ‘no’?” Richie has never been more unsure of what was going through Bill’s mind. Bill looks like he’s about to break down crying and this whole situation was so un-Bill like. He never goes out and gets wasted without Richie and he’s always so vocal about what he’s thinking. And he sure as hell doesn’t go and talk to strangers randomly. ~~Even if they look like their dead friend.~~

This all started with the notstan in the park. “Bill what the hell happened in the park?” He has a lot more questions but figures that’s a good one to start with. 

He doesn’t answer, looking like he’s too busy trying not to cry.

“Bill please, talk-”

“He wasn’t Stuh-Stan.” 

What? Bill knew that when he went to talk to the man on the bench right? He looked a lot like him, but there was no way he was HIM. No matter how badly Richie himself wanted him to be.

“Bill, you knew that right? I could have told-”

“Yes I know!” He jumps back Bill’s sudden shift in tone. It doesn’t look like he notices that though, “I kn-know it wasn’t Stan R-Richie. I just, I just,  _ really wanted him to be. _ ” The dam has broken and tears now streak his face, Richie reaches out to grab Bill’s shoulder in what he hopes is a reassuring matter. Even if he’s still super confused about what exactly is happening. “The more I t-t-talked to him, the muh-more I realized he was  _ nothing _ like Stan. He keeps his b-bird book messed up and un-unorganized and he doesn’t use pr-pr-proper grammar, and he just wasn’t him!”

Bill jumps off the counter and collapses in Richie’s arms, sobs finally overtaking his body. Richie awkwardly runs his fingers through his hair, trying to calm him down. Bill who hasn’t shed a tear over Stan is having a meltdown because a guy that looked like him wasn’t him? What the fuck? Was this Bill’s idea of some sort of sick joke?

“Okay Bill, I really need you to fucking clarify this right now? What's a big deal about some man looking like our dead friend?”

This just causes the grown ass man, his boyfriend, in his arms to sob harder. Okay, wrong approach maybe.

He pulls Bill back so he can look him in the face, he’s never seen Bill look more broken. ~~Except for when he lost Georgie.~~ “Please, please tell why this is affecting you so much. I don’t understand.”

Bill makes feeble attempts to calm himself, managing to croak out, “Eddie.”

“What about Eddie? What does he have to do with anything?” Now he’s just more confused. 

“Eddie R-Richie, Eddie.” Richie is still giving Bill a confused look as he sighs, “Richie, Stan is muh-my Eddie.”

Oh.

OH.

Realization starts to set in. The fact that Bill has refused to talk about Stan.  _ To talk about Patty.  _ Memories from his childhood start to pop up in his mind, the times he wasn’t paying attention to Eddie as a kid, watching Bill grow further away from Bev after she moved and closer towards Stan. How the two seemed to become inseparable. Maybe if Richie wasn’t so paranoid as a kid of people suspecting him of being queer, he would’ve started to wonder about them.

For once in his life, Richie is a loss for what to say. So instead he just pulls Bill closer to him, hugging him tightly. He hasn’t been the only one in this relationship wishing for another. That doesn’t make him feel any better to know that his boyfriend is as broken as he is. 

Bill starts to break down again against his chest, tearily mumbling out, “I didn’t even get to say goodbye.” 

That's what causes Richie to start crying. 

\---------------------------------------------------------------

So yes, they don’t get to live their lives with the ones they feel like they’re meant to be with. But they do have each other. They do have someone who loves them, someone that helps the ache in their souls and keeps them from feeling lonely. More importantly they have someone who  _ understands. _

Bill and Richie are quite content to spend their days together, waiting to see Eddie and Stan in the next life. Who cares if no one else gets it. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed! Lemme know what you think!  
> Can you tell I lost steam at the end of this? HAHAHAHAHA I hate this.


End file.
